Nikki Glaser Shares the Wildest Jokes She Scrapped From Her Golden Globes Monologue
Comedian Nikki Glaser shared some of the jokes she decided to leave out of her Golden Globes monologue during an appearance on “The Howard Stern Show.” Glaser explained that while she enjoys pushing boundaries, some of her original material didn’t make it to the broadcast.
A few of the jokes she scrapped touched on politics, including one about ICE and another about President Donald Trump. Glaser told Stern she avoided certain political topics because, in her view, “it’s not funny.”
“I was going to come in at some point and say, ‘I’m hearing from the bar that we’re out of ice. And you know, we don’t really need ice. And actually, I hate ice,’” Glaser explained, using a double meaning about the federal immigration agency. “It just felt like, oh, even that’s just being too trivial. … It’s hard to strike the right tone.”
The timing of the Globes added to the sensitivity of political jokes. The show aired shortly after ICE agent Jonathan Ross shot Renee Good in Minneapolis, sparking nationwide protests and debate. Some celebrities, including Mark Ruffalo, Natasha Lyonne, and Wanda Sykes, wore pins on the red carpet that read “Ice Out” and “Be Good” in her memory.
Glaser also cut a joke about renaming the Globes venue the “Trump Beverly Hilton.” “You just don’t say that guy’s name right now,” she told Stern. She shared that Steve Martin initially sent her the joke but later advised her to skip politics entirely.
Even with these cuts, Glaser still included some topical humor, including a jab at CBS News. “The award for most editing goes to CBS News. Yes. CBS news: America’s newest place to see B.S. news,” she said, referencing a recently killed segment about U.S. deportations.
Glaser also revealed other outrageous jokes that didn’t make the show. Among them:
“Chase Infiniti is nominated for best actress tonight, and Chase Infiniti is her real name. And this is true: If you apply now, you can earn 5% cash back on all travel bookings through her through the end of the year. So get on that.”
“Chase Infiniti Payne is actually her real name. Chase Infiniti Payne, which is also how Sean Penn gets an erect***.”
“Some people have stage names like ‘Hacks’ star Jean Smart, whose real name is Corderoy Dumb***.”
“Brad Pitt is nominated for his role in ‘F1’ tonight. See, that’s what I love about Hollywood. When a man turns 60, he gets to play a racecar driver. Meanwhile, after 35, every role for a woman is a tired mom who hates her life. And Brad, you were so good I was almost convinced that you’ve driven yourself somewhere in the last 30 years. But Brad did a lot of his own driving in the movie. And Brad, I don’t want to embarrass you, but your blinker was on the whole time there.”
“Tonight is a night of celebration, but we can’t ignore that it’s a weird time in Hollywood. You know, people just aren’t going to the theaters to see things. If you don’t believe me, there was a movie this year where Sydney Sweeney played a lesbian who just bounced around in tiny shorts for two hours and it made $14.”
“Everyone’s concerned about AI. Tilly Norwood is the first star to be completely generated by AI and somehow has still been s***** assaulted by three different studio execs.”
“Sean Penn is nominated tonight, I’m assuming for best neck veins?”
“Sean Penn, Benicio del Toro and Leonardo DiCaprio are all here tonight for the category Least Eyes. Leo, why are you always squinting? I mean, I assume it’s to read your girlfriend’s ID. Just making sure that the year starts with a two.”
“Amy Poehler is here for her podcast ‘Good Hang,’ which is what Timothée Chalamet says after s**”
“Julia Roberts is nominated for ‘After The Hunt.’ I don’t know what it’s about, but I’m assuming the hunt was to find someone who’s seen it?”
“Jonathan Bailey is here. Jonathan is the first openly gay man to be named the S**** Man Alive by People magazine, and at first I was like, ‘Do we really need to say openly?’ and then I looked at a list of past winners and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, we do.’”
“Jeff Goldblum is here tonight, not because he is nominated just because they were shooting an ad for Apartments.com down the street and he just kind of wandered in. Jeff doing ads for Apartments.com is hilarious. You haven’t lived in apartments since you were a fly.”
“‘Pluribus’ is nominated. Did you guys know that ‘Pluribus’ is Latin for ‘I haven’t seen it’?”
Glaser’s candid discussion shows just how much thought goes into a comedy awards monologue and the tricky line between edgy and too controversial. Even with these cuts, fans still got plenty of laughs during the show.
It’s fascinating to see how much material is left on the cutting room floor, especially with jokes about current events or celebrities. It makes you realize how much work goes into crafting a monologue that entertains without offending. What do you think about some of these scrapped jokes? Share your thoughts in the comments.
